On Finding Myself

I am merely 30+ days from getting married and the anxiety has set in. Not about getting married to B. but about all that I still want to accomplish in my life and wondering if he is willing and able to do all the things I want to do.  Also, do I want to do all the things he wants to do?

He and I are similar yet different.  He is Capricorn, which means to me equals steady job, steady life, easy goals.  I am a Sagittarius. Dreamer. Traveler. Always itching to do or see something else.  He is my rock that keeps me grounded and I am the person who nudges him to reach outside the box and try new things he may not have thought he wanted to do at first but turn out to be good experiences in the end.  It's a good match most of the time, I must say.  I just hope my love and hope to do a lot of travel and sight seeing in life won't deter my homebody husband to get annoyed or upset with me. 

There is so much I want to accomplish in life and I have some regrets ( I know-regrets are a total waste of time but they pop up every now and then) about not travelling and seeing the world enough in my twenties.  Why didn't I do that backpacking trek through Europe? Or spend my summers working in different states across the U.S.? Something out of the ordinary...anything.

I know the reason and it's probably why I stress so much now.  It's men.  When I am in a relationship, I attach myself wholly and completely to my guy and give up everything in my life for my relationship.  When I have been single, I am unstoppable. Constantly busy, going different places, trying new things, etc., but when I am in a relationship, I always give up that carefree side of myself to keep the relationship on an even keel.  The sad thing is I lose myself in my relationships and I feel that is where I am at right now.  B and I have been together for 6 years now and, although I do love him deeply and am looking forward to ever after, I am worried about how much further my soul will regress.  Some days I don't even know who I am anymore because I have come to define myself by our relationship as opposed to defining myself by my own values, goals and interests...which is exactly the person B originally fell for in the first place. 

The bottom line is I need to find myself again....piece by piece and start putting those pieces back together again.  Our relationship should encompass more than just the two of us, it should be our wants, needs, desires, goals, and interests meshed together as well.  I won't lie to myself, it will be hard to find myself again and decide who I truly want to be and some things may be met with animosity.  I guess I'll just have to push forward and see what happens.  It's got to be better than losing more of myself every day.